...I surely would.
I wish I could go back, and just have one day...a day with no worries...a day where everything makes sense...just you and I.
I think about it a lot more than I should...and I wonder, is it's just because it's not there? Or...is it because I had finally allowed myself to let go?
It's easier to write now...because I know that you aren't there to read it.
They say that the biggest part of caring about someone is being able to let them go...but "they" never explain the hole that remains.
I woke up one day, and the words came so easily...a simple promise.
"I am not who you think I am...I will be bigger, I will be better, and I will be more than you will ever imagine. And when you see me on your TV, and in your magazines, and you hear me on the radio...smile. Why? Because you pushed me...to dream a little bigger, to love a little harder, and to go for what I want, no matter how long it takes. Anyone who knows about me will know about you, and the difference you made. No matter what good fortune may be ahead...I will never forget what got me there, and I will never regret any of it. I'm on my way to the top...you can love me or hate me...but you'll never look at me the same again."
There's going to be a time when I feel as free as I did again. You may never know, and you may never care, but you've changed the world. My world. And when the time comes, the rest of the world will know, too.
If you read this...and you wonder..."who is this for?"...it's for you. You may not have understood then, and you may not even understand now...but there are some things that just can't be put into words. And when I get to wherever it is that I choose to go, I'm going to stop, take a good look around, look to the sky, and say, "Thank You."
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
When In Doubt...
Have you ever had one of those moments when the light switch finally turns on? Or better yet, when the lights go out entirely? How about both at once?
After a rather animated discussion with a "friend" a couple weeks ago, I could literally feel myself shut off...I had reached the point where I realized that the person I am (or attempting to become) would do nothing more than drive others away. Being simplistic meant that I had nothing else to offer to the people I chose to have in my life...being "nice" meant taking the emotion out of every interaction I've ever had...and that my rare expressions of emotion would be met with doubt, disdain, or indifference..."Why now?" "If that were the case, why didn't you say that before?" "It doesn't matter now."
During a conversation with someone earlier today, one of those switches came back on, and I asked myself, "why am I talking to this person?" Our interactions had regressed to the point where the beginning of a conversation was also the end, and that I had unconsciously brought it to that point. Things are now at a point where "no expectations" are set...but there's no mutual respect. Impressions are extremely hard, if not impossible, to change once they are set, and in this case, I'm not sure if a change would ever be perceived.
I've had enough time alone to accept the fact that I'm too "nice" to others...."nice" in terms of being too giving...too neutral...too laid-back, as someone put it...too much of a lot of things. It doesn't improve the way someone feels about me...it doesn't make them comfortable...rather, it makes them wonder what's wrong with me...what the catch is...and more often than not, when something negative arises, the impact is heavier.
When things are calm...all the time...there's nothing to work at...nothing to stir up interest. Looking back, I see that a lot of things were said and done in an effort to stir up emotions that, in my case, often go untouched. And in effect, keeping the same temperament was making the situations worse. If I didn't show emotion during minor issues, how could I expect anyone to believe that there would be an effective display when it really mattered? Or...if I only expressed emotion when I was too stressed (or the other person was too stressed/angered/frustrated) to do it positively, and it left me picking up the pieces of what could have been?
In some cases, my being "nice" has made others feel worse about themselves. There's no definite gauge of my personality, and no way for them to know what's acceptable, and what isn't. After a bit of observation, I noticed that it actually makes others more self-conscious around me. Regardless of what I might say, the lack of social interaction leaves people to question whether what I'm saying is genuine, or if there is hidden disdain for their words and actions. They might think that I'll just go along with whatever everyone is doing, without providing any personal input...or that I really don't like them, and I'm just putting on a good face...or that I'm just not an entertaining person to be around. No one wants to be on edge when they're around someone...
And, unfortunately, there are people who grew to dislike me...I think, "just keep a cool head, be reasonable, and it'll balance out." And I couldn't be more wrong. That same want to be logical, unbiased, and factual, is often cold, uncaring, and not always an external representation of any internal thoughts or feelings. Giving everyone a pass...saying that things are okay, even if they believe that they aren't or shouldn't be...makes people think that I've adopted a "holier-than-thou" attitude, that somehow, I believe that I can bypass emotions somehow. Neither are close to being true, but the desire to minimize conflict seems to show otherwise.
As my "friend" (I put it in quotes because I really don't know what it is that we have) finished their monologue, and made their exit, not caring or respecting any response on my part, all I could do was sit and think, "how many other people have felt that way?" And in a moment, ten years of my life flashed by...and then it went blank. It was not only "blowing a fuse," so to speak, but reaching a very painful conclusion: the person I am will ultimately keep me away from the one thing I want more than anything...love. Not just in the relationship sense, but in the very basic sense.
I will be perfectly honest...it scares the living hell out of me for someone to know the absolute truth about me. There's nothing morally condemning...are there some less-than-stellar decisions? Have I hurt people that I would go to the ends of the earth for? Things that I would kill to have a second chance at? A resounding "yes" to all three. I've made an effort to be as honest as I can about what's going on with me more recently...it's been a mixed bag. There are poor shadows of what used to be friendships...little or no expectations, or a settled conclusion, of me, and the type of person I am, which leads to poor interactions...and in one case, the decision that it was easier to hate me than to try to care.
Last Monday, I made the hardest phone call of my life. I wasn't going to do anything crazy...but I realized that I had finally hit the bottom. Until that point, I was able to pick myself up, and keep pushing, and I could manage the pain I was dealing with. But I was completely tapped out...I had pushed out every bit of energy I had...and I was alone. Everything that had happened before that point was either beyond repair, or has massive cracks...and there was no way that I could allow anything to go on in the future with my current state of mind.
As I do more research, and I prepare myself for what's about to come, I also start to come to grips with the reality that there are not many people around me at the moment that will understand...or try to understand...or even believe...some of the thoughts that crowd my mind on an everyday basis. I'm not saying that it's beyond understanding, or that no one else has anything going on, or that my issues are so important, everyone should know about them. It's accepting that as things begin to change, I'll have to say goodbye to some of the people, places, and things that surround me.
Some might say, "good riddance"...some might say, "why me?"...and some might say, "do what you have to do." All I can say is not to take it too personally...if you really feel that it does affect you, then please understand that my relationship with you will change, and it is an opportunity to address minor/major issues, and if possible, establish a healthier bond for both of us. I hope that it's something that I can accomplish with everyone, but I can't (and won't) feel bad if someone isn't willing, or they don't think it (and in effect, me) is worth the effort. I'll still be giving...just not as much. I'll still listen...just not as much. I'll still be there if you need me...just not as much.
It might have taken me almost a quarter century...but damn it, I'm going to get this thing called life right.
After a rather animated discussion with a "friend" a couple weeks ago, I could literally feel myself shut off...I had reached the point where I realized that the person I am (or attempting to become) would do nothing more than drive others away. Being simplistic meant that I had nothing else to offer to the people I chose to have in my life...being "nice" meant taking the emotion out of every interaction I've ever had...and that my rare expressions of emotion would be met with doubt, disdain, or indifference..."Why now?" "If that were the case, why didn't you say that before?" "It doesn't matter now."
During a conversation with someone earlier today, one of those switches came back on, and I asked myself, "why am I talking to this person?" Our interactions had regressed to the point where the beginning of a conversation was also the end, and that I had unconsciously brought it to that point. Things are now at a point where "no expectations" are set...but there's no mutual respect. Impressions are extremely hard, if not impossible, to change once they are set, and in this case, I'm not sure if a change would ever be perceived.
I've had enough time alone to accept the fact that I'm too "nice" to others...."nice" in terms of being too giving...too neutral...too laid-back, as someone put it...too much of a lot of things. It doesn't improve the way someone feels about me...it doesn't make them comfortable...rather, it makes them wonder what's wrong with me...what the catch is...and more often than not, when something negative arises, the impact is heavier.
When things are calm...all the time...there's nothing to work at...nothing to stir up interest. Looking back, I see that a lot of things were said and done in an effort to stir up emotions that, in my case, often go untouched. And in effect, keeping the same temperament was making the situations worse. If I didn't show emotion during minor issues, how could I expect anyone to believe that there would be an effective display when it really mattered? Or...if I only expressed emotion when I was too stressed (or the other person was too stressed/angered/frustrated) to do it positively, and it left me picking up the pieces of what could have been?
In some cases, my being "nice" has made others feel worse about themselves. There's no definite gauge of my personality, and no way for them to know what's acceptable, and what isn't. After a bit of observation, I noticed that it actually makes others more self-conscious around me. Regardless of what I might say, the lack of social interaction leaves people to question whether what I'm saying is genuine, or if there is hidden disdain for their words and actions. They might think that I'll just go along with whatever everyone is doing, without providing any personal input...or that I really don't like them, and I'm just putting on a good face...or that I'm just not an entertaining person to be around. No one wants to be on edge when they're around someone...
And, unfortunately, there are people who grew to dislike me...I think, "just keep a cool head, be reasonable, and it'll balance out." And I couldn't be more wrong. That same want to be logical, unbiased, and factual, is often cold, uncaring, and not always an external representation of any internal thoughts or feelings. Giving everyone a pass...saying that things are okay, even if they believe that they aren't or shouldn't be...makes people think that I've adopted a "holier-than-thou" attitude, that somehow, I believe that I can bypass emotions somehow. Neither are close to being true, but the desire to minimize conflict seems to show otherwise.
As my "friend" (I put it in quotes because I really don't know what it is that we have) finished their monologue, and made their exit, not caring or respecting any response on my part, all I could do was sit and think, "how many other people have felt that way?" And in a moment, ten years of my life flashed by...and then it went blank. It was not only "blowing a fuse," so to speak, but reaching a very painful conclusion: the person I am will ultimately keep me away from the one thing I want more than anything...love. Not just in the relationship sense, but in the very basic sense.
I will be perfectly honest...it scares the living hell out of me for someone to know the absolute truth about me. There's nothing morally condemning...are there some less-than-stellar decisions? Have I hurt people that I would go to the ends of the earth for? Things that I would kill to have a second chance at? A resounding "yes" to all three. I've made an effort to be as honest as I can about what's going on with me more recently...it's been a mixed bag. There are poor shadows of what used to be friendships...little or no expectations, or a settled conclusion, of me, and the type of person I am, which leads to poor interactions...and in one case, the decision that it was easier to hate me than to try to care.
Last Monday, I made the hardest phone call of my life. I wasn't going to do anything crazy...but I realized that I had finally hit the bottom. Until that point, I was able to pick myself up, and keep pushing, and I could manage the pain I was dealing with. But I was completely tapped out...I had pushed out every bit of energy I had...and I was alone. Everything that had happened before that point was either beyond repair, or has massive cracks...and there was no way that I could allow anything to go on in the future with my current state of mind.
As I do more research, and I prepare myself for what's about to come, I also start to come to grips with the reality that there are not many people around me at the moment that will understand...or try to understand...or even believe...some of the thoughts that crowd my mind on an everyday basis. I'm not saying that it's beyond understanding, or that no one else has anything going on, or that my issues are so important, everyone should know about them. It's accepting that as things begin to change, I'll have to say goodbye to some of the people, places, and things that surround me.
Some might say, "good riddance"...some might say, "why me?"...and some might say, "do what you have to do." All I can say is not to take it too personally...if you really feel that it does affect you, then please understand that my relationship with you will change, and it is an opportunity to address minor/major issues, and if possible, establish a healthier bond for both of us. I hope that it's something that I can accomplish with everyone, but I can't (and won't) feel bad if someone isn't willing, or they don't think it (and in effect, me) is worth the effort. I'll still be giving...just not as much. I'll still listen...just not as much. I'll still be there if you need me...just not as much.
It might have taken me almost a quarter century...but damn it, I'm going to get this thing called life right.
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