Dreams...

I close my eyes at night, and I escape to the privacy of my mind. There's one big problem...the world that I see just isn't the same.

Yesterday, my family celebrated my nephew's first birthday. Granted, his actual birthday was three weeks ago, but this was the first time everyone was in the same general vicinity in quite some time. It was good times...one of those increasingly rare moments where my family is in one place without some kind of conflict. Plus, there was barbecue, which pretty much speaks for itself...but moving on.

Watching him wobble around (by the way, for anyone I haven't talked to in a while, he's walking now), laughing and playing and all that good stuff, it made me think back to when I was younger...running around the house (because living in a neighborhood with a tendency for random violence mixed with a slightly overprotective family doesn't do well for an excess of outside entertainment), and all I had to worry about (until I reached school age) was if there was enough milk for my cereal in the morning. It made me realize how much time has really passed, and how far along I had come

At the end of the night, while my sister and I were on our way home, she turned to me and asked, "do you ever think you'll want to have kids?" It was a conversation that we've had in the past...there's a good chance that Denim might be the only grandchild my parents have. Why's that, you ask? Let's see...after everything Sister #2 (aka Mom) went through, she's not exactly itching to do it all over again. Sister #1 has never been too keen on children...I think a lot of things would have to fall into place for that to happen. As for myself...well...

It goes back to the dream that plays out in my mind...there's a house, but when I walk inside, it's completely empty. I don't believe it's to say that I don't have any dreams or desires...there are a few of those stored away. But there are days where I wonder if maybe I've hidden them a little too far from myself. Allow me to explain...I'm very much committed to the streamlined approach to creating a family: meet someone, get to know them, decide the person is just not-crazy enough to spend time with, establish yourselves, decide that the person is just not-crazy enough to spend your life with them, do the "dumm-dum-da-dum," and then the little ones. Something everyone goes for, right? Right.

The last couple years or so, I seem to be getting stuck in Step 3 of said process (God, I sound like I'm in AA or something...). I'll readily admit that everyone has a little bit of crazy in them (and if they say that they don't, then there's your answer), and it takes the right balance of two personalities to make things work. That being said, Step 3 has been the killer in terms of moving life along in the personal aspect of things.

Now, before I move on, let me interrupt and say a few things about myself before any potential readers start the "he has issues, too" train of thought.

- I had a bit of a revelation the other night during a conversation with Sister #1...one where I realized that, well, I'm just not big on small talk. Not in the slightest. I don't say this to take away from the value of it all, but there's a good chance that if I'm talking, it usually has a point in the end. (I am also fully accepting the counter-argument that small talk is a vital part of Step 2, and I don't have any objections against it. Furthermore, said statement is not a means of devaluing anything that anyone else says.)
- The lack of small talk has led to the general list of inquiries, i.e., "what's wrong? are you okay? you're quiet. you don't have anything to talk about?" To which the response (approximately 98.6% of the time) is, "I'm good. Don't worry about it." More often than not, asking what's going on repeatedly usually results in something going on...make sense? Haha.
- Contrary to popular belief (and contrary to anything I've said otherwise in my lifetime, apparently), I hate talking about myself. Note that this note doesn't fall under that category...this is just taking my thoughts, and moving them from my head, and onto the surface. I mean more in the sense of the not-so-introspective stuff that tends to come out every now and then. I'm not rude about it...you can ask me about damn near anything, and I'll answer it to the best of my abilities. Outside of that, I just really enjoy listening to life through the mind of another. That means you can talk to your heart's content, and it's perfectly fine.

Okay...I think I can get back to the original thought. I realize that my disposition also plays a huge part in what will be referred to from this point as the "Step Three Syndrome," or STS. I'm not the most open person in the world, by any means...growing up as an introvert in a slightly more extroverted family (read: quiet kid in a LOUD crowd...) made my childhood, to say the least, an interesting experience. Let's just say that family gatherings were equally fulfilling and depressing, and leave it at that.

This is just a personal observation, but on occasion, it seems as though the social butterflies in my life have a bit of a time understanding why I choose to be, well, not social as often. Don't get me wrong...I love hanging out and having fun as much as the next. But I'm at an age where I realize that I have a set amount of energy at any given point, and when it's gone, I'm done. It's time to go home and "recharge," if you will. It's also why I'm big on being somewhat prompt...if you're late, it's less time you get to spend with someone, and you can't get it back. And, to some degree, I feel like it's a fair indication of how high (or low) you are on another person's list at the moment. Side note: this is within the scope of normal situations. Crazy stuff happens, and it's not right to hold it against someone when they do. This is more in reference to the friend that's always late (or rescheduling, or cancelling). Then again, I think the word "friend" is used a little too loosely these days. It's very hard for me to be able to fully trust someone who can't even return a phone call, let alone talk to about anything that's going on with me. It may sound a bit extreme, but the way that people treat one another in their social world speaks mountains to how they may feel in their personal world.

As I sit on the steps of the house in my mind, I can see to the edge of the horizon in every direction. There's not a single thing in the sky but the sun...not even a fly. There's a road that passes through, but there's nothing coming or going. Pure silence...there's just me, God, and my thoughts.

By no means am I in a rush to have things happen...if something happens to come along, then it's all good, but if God's plan is to have me go at things on my own, then so be it. I've always been pretty comfortable with doing things that are mostly considered "group activities" by myself...i.e., going to movies, mall trips, sit-down restaurants, club/bar hopping, stuff like that. Company is always welcome, but there's no way in hell I'm giving up my day because someone else has different plans.

Life's supposed to be just one big experience...you take what's been done, find out what you're meant to learn from it, and you create your future. I spend a lot of time...too much, probably...thinking about the acquaintances/friendships/relationships that I've lost, and thinking about what could have been (and maybe what would have been) if I were different...if I would have said a little more (or less, depending on who you ask)...if I could believe that the words coming out were spoken in sincerity. I'm moving towards giving the benefit of the doubt more often, pushing aside the thought that it does nothing more than give others a free pass to continue being the way they are. And considering I've made a science of letting things sail over my head, I think I do a pretty good job of spotting it.

I call out, hoping that there's someone or something around that will respond. Nothing. I go back inside, I sit and ask God, "why am I here? why is there no one around?" Nothing. There's nothing to do but sit and watch the sun set.

Another important lesson I'm still in the process of learning is that the way you see yourself and the way that others see you are not...even...close. Some real-time examples:

• I tend to come off as selfish/self-absorbed/arrogant/similar adjectives, according to more than one person. After a little thought, and a little research, I have to say that I don't disagree. I'm very much a self-conscious person, in the sense that I tend to mentally monitor everything and everyone, and I end up stopping my train of thought well before it reaches my mouth. It goes along with the whole listening more than speaking ideal...sometimes, I end up taking so much in that I have no idea what to say when someone actually asks. It kinda goes like, "well, I remember hearing about this, in relation to that, in relation to that other thing...I probably shouldn't mention that...really don't want to get that ball rolling...just keep it very simple, and move on." The result is usually a very unbiased response, although I try my best to make it something for the other person to think about. Unfortunately, it doesn't always (read: rarely) goes over well with some folks.
  
  I will say this...if you tell me something, it will always be on my mind, whether it be the next day or five years from now. That's why it never ceases to amaze me when people are surprised that I remember certain dates (for example...January 14, February 14, March 5, March 21, April 12, April 16, April 23, May 10, May 12, June 20, July 6, August 13, August 20, September 3, September 11, September 12, September 21, October 11, October 19, November 1, November 17, November 26, December 21, December 27, and December 28 all have a significant meaning to me), or random facts (which I won't mention here). They'll look, and they'll say, "how in the world do you remember that?" And my only response is, "why wouldn't I?"

• I'm "too deep." I will be the first to admit that I put a lot of thought into things that most people wouldn't think twice about. I take a lot of pride in knowing as much as I can about life, and I am very aware of the fact that there's more out there than I can ever take in. But very rarely will you hear me say, "it is what it is." My mind's always running...looking for a different way to do things, new answers to some of life's more interesting questions. And to be honest, it's just disappointing when I get into something really good, and all I get is, "I guess." It goes back to the speaking/listening conversation once again. The weird thing is that this often comes up with the same people who claim that I don't talk enough for them. It's hard to find someone that I can have a good conversation with about life...why certain things happen, why people are the way that they are, what could stand to change, and all that good stuff. Don't be mistaken, now...I'm good for something amazingly random every now and then (right now, I'm addicted to the song from the freecreditreport.com commercial...you know, the one when they're in the restaurant? yeah, don't ask). But there's so much more to be concerned about than reality TV and who's hanging out/hooking up with who.

• I'm judgmental. I could be completely wrong about this one...but aren't we all? You'd be very hard-pressed to find someone that hasn't assumed, stereotyped, or come to their own personal conclusions about someone or something. The last few months, I've had my fill of people saying, "don't judge me because of (XYZ)." The first thought that comes to mind when I hear that is, "if you're concerned about being judged about whatever you're doing, why do it in the first place?" Of course, the answer is that it's because it's something that you personally enjoy. You just have to have faith that the person that you're sharing yourself with won't look at you differently as a result.
  
  One of the saddest lessons that I had to learn is that we live in a society where we judge one another by every individual act, and that a slip of the tongue or a pointing of the finger can very quickly destroy anything positive that you're striving to attain. If you've been following the presidential race at all, or any of the major sports scandals, we are quick to question even the most influential people of our time, based on what they decide to do in their personal lives (which, in the vast majority of cases, has very little or no effect on our lives at all, but that's neither here nor there).
  
  I can live with the fact that what I say and/or do shifts the way I'm seen, no matter how much time passes. Asking not to be judged is a waste of time...I mean, Jesus, the most spiritually/mentally/emotionally/morally righteous man to walk the earth, wasn't safe from it, and look what happened to Him...the way I see it, if it's something that makes you happy, doesn't cross any extreme barriers, and doesn't have any affect on me, then I could care less.

• I don't "understand" others the way that I should. Well...I hate to be the one to break the news...but I'm not perfect. I screw up quite a bit, and I tend to hurt feelings quite a bit, albeit not intentionally. But the thing about life is learning from your mistakes...finding out why what you did was wrong, and finding a way that works. Proclaiming that you've exhausted all your options, without allowing some room for adjustment and discussion, is equally frustrating for the hurt party and the party attempting to change.
  
  I know that I'm not an easy person to understand (mostly based on all the stuff I've been talking about so far), and that I get internally frustrated with other people very quickly. But in the same thread, the people who want to listen will, and they'll take in what you're saying and actually remember it (there are people in my life that I've known for years that don't remember when my birthday is...and checking Facebook doesn't count). I try my best to understand the people in my life, and I just hope that I can be understood in return. If it happens that way, fine, but if not, it's alright...I think it's safe to say that I don't expect a lot from other people. Which brings me to my next point...

• I don't give people enough credit. Yeah...I'm not going to argue this one bit. It comes from a more than a few years of broken promises...wasted hope...wasted love...unnecessary fights...crossed signals...and watching as, one by one, the people I care about most disappear. I don't hold what's happened before with anyone new...I'm not going to say, "well, this person did (XYZ) to me, so I'm not going to trust you." I do, however, take a very realistic approach to things these days. Everyone gets a clean slate...I just don't expect too much.

The sun has gone down, and the house in my mind is lit by a sky completely full of stars. A stark contrast from the light-polluted city, and very welcome. The silence that filled the day is carried over to the night, and is establishing itself as the norm. I make my way to bed, and I close my eyes.

John Mayer says that when you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part...well...what do you do when the dream and the reality are both empty? I own a phone that only rings when someone wants something...there are at least three people that are actively avoiding me as I type...and "I'm sorry" isn't the quick fix it used to be. I use the symbolism of the broken heart in more of a universal thread, not solely in the scope of relationships (although, to that, I will simply say that you can't care about someone who doesn't want you to care about them, and leave it at that).

Every day, I open my eyes, and I wonder why I'm still here...who would miss me if I were to leave. Before you go getting any thoughts, I'm speaking in terms of where I'm living. I love Chicago, and this will always be home for me, but I think I've stayed my course. There's really nothing here worth staying for anymore (of course, this doesn't include family...no matter where I go, they are always in my heart). I have a few places in mind...a few in the States, and couple that are a long ways from here. It would be nice to start over...be in a place where I can meet and greet and be a little bit more of myself without nearly as many issues.

The sad part is that it would be pretty entertaining to discuss things like this with someone...but I know that it will be read, and thoughts will be made, but not a single word will be said...the "silent critique," if you will. I am a full supporter of personal opinion, at any cost...even if you just want to cuss me and tell me about how wrong I am, do it. Anyone who has ever caught me on one of my more blunt days found out rather quickly that I don't spare feelings with my advice. As a matter of fact, I very openly offer the disclaimer that if you just want someone to agree with you and make you feel better, I'm not the person to talk to. That being said, every subject is understood a little better if it can be seen from different sides. So...share what's on your mind. Suggestions for the future...similar stories...looking to spark a debate on one of the topics covered...or if you just want someone to talk to.

It's funny...do you have one or two (or in my case, more than a few) friends who you hear from every month or two, and when the Question of the Day comes around, you get the same response: "oh, I've been so busy lately...I'm sorry!" Then, after a short conversation, they proceed to fall off the face of the earth again? Now, before I get any hate mail on this, allow me to clarify...this is, by no stretch of the imagination, a finger-pointing session (I chose not to add names to my work a long time ago, as a matter of personal protection). Instead, it's an opportunity to think about how it applies to you. If it does, then you can relate, or maybe think about ways to shake things up; if not, then keep pushing.

Continuing on...this is a topic that I've covered with several people before, and the general consensus seems to agree on one thing: if this is really the case, then maybe I'm hanging around the wrong type of people. The first thought that crosses my mind is, "well...you're one of those people, too." Now, then...have I been one of those "types of people" before? Yep. Am I proud of it? Not in the slightest.

The counter-argument is that we all handle our personal relationships with other people differently, and you can't expect to walk outside and have the sun shine directly on you every day. (By the way, if you don't do analogies, then there's a good chance you won't understand me. Ever. Sad, but true.) However, I feel like I have a fair idea of how (most) things work (most of the time), and I don't care for being patronized. It might sound odd, but I would rather someone say, "Look, I know we haven't talked, but I was doing my thing, hanging out with some of my closer friends. I like you and all, but I'm just not going to commit as much time to our friendship." That way, lines are established, you can talk about whatever, and if you feel it's right, go your separate ways and be assured that there are no hard feelings left.

The house in my mind used to be brighter...there were birds in the sky...kids running and playing in the backyard...friends and well-wishers from end to end...and the most amazing woman a man could ask for. As reality begins to seep into my dreams, the kids grow tired, and ask when they can go home...the guests say their goodbyes, and drive away...the birds fly away, headed for sunnier skies...and the girl, you ask? She simply fades away, never to be seen again. On the nightstand next to the bed, there's a book..."The Key To Life." Unable to fall asleep, and trapped in thought, I grab the book, hoping to find clarity. As I open the cover, my eyes shoot open...and just like that, the dream is over.

I always wonder why people, places, and things tend to disappear at a time when you need them the most. I don't feel that it's because the places and things aren't the same, and I don't feel that it's because the people aren't understanding and supportive. It seems to be more of a natural human reaction...we are attracted to things that are more socially positive, and repelled by things that aren't.

It doesn't matter how good of a person you are...or better yet, it doesn't matter how good of a person you think/feel/know you are on the inside. Ask your local celebrity...society decides how good of a person you really are. And it takes a very unique person to be accepting of someone in spite of what they hear. We take so much stock in what we hear from others, and we unconsciously (or very openly, depending on the situation) change our own way of thinking as a result. Hell, even Martha and Oprah get caught up, and they're more well-liked than any of us could ever be. That being said...I know who I am, I know what I can do, and I know where I'm headed, regardless of how I choose to go about getting there.

But the very nature of society makes me ask myself, "am I really as good as I think I am?" How often do you have to hear the "Good-But" before it starts to affect your own state of mind? Allow me to explain the "Good-But"...have you ever gone in for a job interview, and you get to the end, and the interviewer says, "well, we here at (insert company name here) think you're a good fit, but we're going to go in a different direction"? Take that, apply it to other random life situations, and that's the "Good-But". We've become so hell-bent on saving feelings (and, in effect, saving face) that we stop helping each other become better people.

Using myself as an example...I hate being formally corrected/disciplined/cussed out/other stuff like that in a public setting. I think it's unnecessary, embarrassing, and it makes me eight different types of pissed off. But after I get over the initial feeling, I can think about what the other person was getting at, and I can work on it in the future. When you tell someone that they're a good person (which may be perfectly true), yet don't take the time to discuss what you feel the person could stand to change, you should formally forfeit the right to complain about it to anyone else. I ask the people in my life to say what's on their mind, at all costs. What comes out won't always be positive, even if it's from the closest of close. It might be upsetting, but the feeling passes, and life goes on.

The trick is to have the confidence to know that the other person isn't setting their sights on hurting you, and they're not out on their own personal agenda (yes, it happens sometimes, but we're trying to stay positive here). If you think that your best friend is telling you that you shouldn't date someone because she's just mad that she isn't seeing anyone, then why are you friends in the first place? Most of us will wait until a situation is at a point where there can be no repair before we say what needs to be said, and it effectively destroys a once strong bond. Some might silently hope that the other person will realize the issue they have with them, and approach them in discussion. But how often does it happen that way? How often does the switch turn on, and someone says, "ya know, I don't think (insert person's name here) appreciates that I (insert random act here). I should really clear the air with them."

While I take a moment to catch my breath from that extremely long thought that just came out, let me just say that I am not claiming that I am any less guilty of any of the above issues. I have avoided plenty an issue in an effort to save the feelings of someone I care about (at the expense of my own personal sanity)...I've given someone the "evil eye" after finding out some less-than-great information about them...and I've talked my way into (and to a lesser extent, out of) every major issue I've ever had with someone.

I am fully prepared to admit that the problems that are created between myself and others stem from my lack of confidence and faith in people as a whole. I'm much better at it then I was at this point in time a few years ago, but by no means am I fully evolved from it. During the time in between, I've learned a few very hard lessons, and I've had to pick my heart, pride, and ego from the floor on many an occasion. For those of you reading who felt as though I was deserving, I agree. Sometimes, we have to be knocked down just hard enough before we figure out the right way to move when we get back up.

You can't expect everyone to like the person you are, if for no other reason than the fact that we're built to have likes and dislikes. But if you allow someone to be a part of your life, and they allow you to be a part of theirs, then you should make every effort to build each other up, and finish your dreams together. That means an unprecedented amount of honesty...and an immeasurable amount of faith. If it seems like you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, then you might be better served to let it all go...I know plenty of people who have an excellent view of this, and are some of the wisest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

As for me...I close my eyes, and I return to the house in my mind. There's a brand-new car in the garage, but it doesn't run. All the necessary pieces are there, and there's a shelf full of "How To" books on the side. After some thought, I realize that unless I piece this thing together, it's gonna be a long walk. Looks like it's time to get to work. I'm dreaming with my eyes wide open...please don't wake me up.

- Emmanuel JaSon Johnson