Easy Like Sunday Morning...

So...Sister #1 convinced me to go to a wedding with her yesterday, since the BIL is still out of town. Now, I am not a huge fan of most things that require a tie (I haven't worn a tuxedo since senior prom...6 years ago). I have no qualms about getting dressed, and making myself look nice, but the tie thing has always bugged me a little. This particular event, however, was at the Columbia Yacht Club, so I didn't have much of a choice.

The groom was a former classmate of Sister #1 and BIL, and we played in a couple basketball leagues together. I hadn't seen him in years, but at the time that I knew him, I would have never imagined him getting to this point. Last night, he looked like a completely different guy, and it really made me think about how much life can change once you find the right connection.

He and his wife are Buddhists, and the ceremony went as such. It was the first time I had been to a wedding of the kind (well, including this one, I've only been to four in my lifetime, so there's not a lot of room for disparity), but it was pretty interesting, to say the least. And as the day turned into night, and everyone gathered for the reception, switch after switch begin to go off in my mind, and I was instantly lost in my thoughts.

I looked around the room, seeing all of the family and friends that had gathered, and I thought, "if I were getting married next week, who would come?" This might be the worst thing I could admit, but I'm really not sure. With Sister #1 getting herself ready for her big day, I watched her, one of her closest friends since high school, and her future sister-in-law stuffing invitations, and producing two boxes full of little white envelopes. And these boxes were NOT small, by any means.

I'm not nearly as social as Sister #1, and nowhere near Sister #2, so I'm not expecting hundreds of people to come out for any given occasion. But sometimes, I look at my sisters, and I look at how many lives they've managed to touch in their time. I've crossed paths with plenty of people myself, but I always wonder if anyone I don't share blood with would be wiling to share the day with me.

I'm sure that this is just my mind playing tricks on me, but it's a fairly valid question. It's less of a worry about others, and more of a worry about myself. At the reception, we sat next to couple friends of ours, a married couple. After we were done with dinner (side note...food that isn't thoroughly cooked is a bad idea), everyone was hanging, talking, and whatnot. I wasn't in the mood for alcohol (despite the massive abundance of it), and I was still hungry, so I was just relaxing until Sister #1 was ready to leave. One of our friends asked me, "you can't possibly be this quiet all the time, can you?" I answered her honestly, and it made me wonder...

To what extent does one's social affinity play a role in their overall perception?

To put it a little simpler...does the closeness you have with someone really affect what you think about who they are and how they act/react to things? The very short answer is yes. Of course, you're going to be closer to someone you've known for years than someone you met last week. But what if it takes a much longer time than one would expect to allow that type of closeness? What if even the most basic parts of what makes you who you are become increasingly difficult to share?

I know what you're thinking..."if you feel like you can't share yourself with anyone, why do you write in a forum where the world can see?" Easy...I write things out so the thoughts don't drive me up the wall. That, and I don't expect anyone to read what I write. The question in my mind definitely comes into play here...that closeness is the difference between the thought of "you know, I've never thought of things that way before," and "oh, he just wants to hear himself talk." I wish things didn't have to be that way, but c'est la vie, I suppose.

The hardest part of all is that you very rarely, if ever, get the opportunity get to tell the people you feel the most for...the people you want to listen...what goes on in the back of your mind...and in some cases, how much you really care for them. I think it's just easier to let things out when it's established that it doesn't matter...what you say or do has very little effect on how they see you, because they've already made up their mind.

Yeah, I'm able to get things off my chest this way, but is it well received? Nope. Among some of the top responses: "why didn't you say anything before?", "why are you telling me this now? ", and "what difference does it make?" Usually, this comes from those who have made an earnest effort to forget that I exist altogether, due to things that should or shouldn't have been done...things that should or shouldn't have been said. I've been called a liar more times than I care to think about...and yeah, it doesn't make things any easier. To constantly have to prove yourself...battle against every word spoken about you...and wonder if you'll even be on speaking terms with someone on any given day...I don't think I've had a full night's sleep in months.

I'm taking one of my biggest fears head on this week...I love singing, but it's ridiculously nerve-wracking to sing in front of strangers. And to have to sing first...EVERY night...for as long as I can stay involved in this thing...it'll take every bit of me to keep my heart from crawling up my throat, and out of my mouth while I'm on stage.

There's rarely a moment that passes during a day where I don't have my mp3 player on shuffle, singing to whatever pops up. I connect almost everything that goes on my life with music...there are so many songs that instantly remind me of someone, someplace, or something...for example:

- Anything by Sara Bareilles.
- Anything by Brian McKnight.
- Anything by Jay-Z.
- Anything from "Making The Band"...Danity Kane and Day26.
- Anything from American Idol.
- Anything by Luther Vandross.
- Anything country...more specifically, Kenny Chesney and Rascal Flatts.
- "Refuge (When It's Cold Outside)", John Legend.

There's plenty more...but that's the easiest way to connect with me. There's a good chance that if there was some sort of music involved, I'll probably remember a song that played the day I met you, and every time it comes on (and I do mean every time), you'll instantly pop up in my mind. It never fails. And for anyone who's ever coaxed me into singing for them...well, no matter how far away we may go, you'll never be forgotten.

Unfortunately, it's not always fun for me...I'm my own worst critic when it comes to a lot of things. You might hear a good singing voice, or read what you think is a good post, but more often than not, I hear the notes I missed, and part of the story that I wanted to add, but forgot. To this day, I've never been able to explain why I do it, but it makes any outside criticism (constructive or otherwise) that much harder, if for no other reason than the fact that I've probably thought about everything that's being said on a continuous loop before the words even leave your mouth.

I've had to fall out something terrible with someone, and re-approach them entirely, before the point where I'm slightly better understood arrives. And I always get the classic line..."If you would have been like this before, it would have been so much different. You're so much more (insert random adjective here) now." In the back of my mind, all I can think is, "No, I'm the same person. You just took the time to really listen to me." I could be wrong, but it does seem as though it's a bit easier to take things in and understand when there's no personal attachment involved.

This is a very big part of who I am...I write (not to hurt or criticize others, but to make them think), and I sing (not because I think it will lead to something big, but because it's one the things that makes my heart feel amazing). But there's so much more...sports (I'm going to play until my body tells me that I can't anymore), computers (there's nothing better than being able to build something, piece by piece, and know that it's yours), traveling (I've been all over the place...taking the time to explore, and and see what the world has to offer, is indescribable...), and food (cooking is definitely something I don't talk about as much, but it stems from the love of personal creation...a few people have experienced it, and I didn't get any complaints).

Building a positive, trusting relationship on any level is harder for me than it probably should be...not because it's something that I can't or don't want to do, but being mindful of the fact that all good things in life take hard work. Accepting the people in your life for who they are, and accepting yourself, but at the same time, not being so set on yourself that you refuse to change for the people you love the most. We only get one chance at life, and it's not worth the time and effort that goes into, not to mention the pain and anger that comes out of, not being able to work out your problems with someone, and forgetting what brought you together in the first place.

The pieces are trying to come together...there's a lot of time left.