So...What Is America Really Made Of?

I opened my eyes this morning, and although the sun was still a couple hours away from rising, the feeling that had washed over me was still flowing strong. Our country had made one of the biggest decisions in its lifetime; a decision that spoke volumes to the world. The right man for the job was a black man, and there was no denying it.

As the election drew to a close, Barack Obama finished with a +7,000,000 lead in the popular vote, and a 364-173 advantage in the Electoral College (something the GOP leaned on, as it gives the not-as-popular guy a chance to come out on top). By the numbers, it was sheer domination...a few analogies (fictional, of course): Wile E. Coyote finally catching the Road Runner; Tom catching Jerry; Charlie Brown not only kicking the football, but kicking Lucy square in the face afterwards. A closer race would have left people crying foul, wanting recounts everywhere. There hasn't been this sound of an ass-kicking in a presidential race in 44 years, not since Lyndon Johnson ushered in the last big change in our country's way of life.

Not only did Obama win classic Democratic strongholds, he turned traditionally red states, such as Virginia, Ohio, and Indiana. There was a decided shift in views, due largely in part to minority voters (including, but not limited to, blacks, latinos, asians, and women), as well as first-time voters. Add in the effectiveness of the internet, Facebook, and Myspace, and you get a group of people who may not know absolutely everything there is to know about the political process (and who does, really?), but they know what hasn't worked. And you know what most folks usually do when something doesn't work, and for years at that? Try something different.

Here's the thing...John McCain (a.k.a. Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot - check the red guy out and tell me he didn't spend the entire campaign with his arms like that! Never mind the irony of the robots being red and blue...) was actually a decent dude back in 2000, before he decided to jump ship. He had good ideas, and had much more charisma; it seems like time just really got the best of him, and he started to look like a bitter old man more than anything else.

As the son of a military man, I always have respect for anyone who serves our country (even if you get caught up...check-minus for that, John). But the ability to fight is an innate characteristic of every human being; the extent to which you do so shouldn't be a measure of your ability to lead. I mean, you can't beat up on everyone. And if you do, what does it make you? The bully. And you can't go hopping into others' fights, either (which the good ol' US of A has a propensity to do), regardless of what the areas involved may have for our personal gain (!). Who's to say that McCain would have been apt to do that as President? I'm not accusing him of wanting to do anything of the sort, nor saying that Obama wouldn't do something similar. But watching us run into a country five years ago, with no reason other than the possibility of them being a threat (Saddam is a bad excuse...yeah, he was a choch, but he wasn't the target), and having to hear about thousands of people dying in an attempt to establish what we think is right for them, is just beyond me. Let them work their business out...they're big boys and girls!

And then there's Sarah Palin. I don't care if you're a devout Christian or a holiday-servicer, a stay-at-home mom or a company executive, it's a little disturbing for me to think that she's an accurate depiction of the American woman, and disturbing to think that there were plenty of women that were willing to let her be their representative on a global stage. Whether she was being coached at first or not, the bigger problem was that it was an issue in the first place. Was she really that clueless? Possibly. Maybe there was someone or someones in the McCain camp (read: men) that felt like she just needed to stick to what they brought her in for, and look pretty the rest of the time? Also a possibility. Okay, so she's much hotter than Hillary Clinton on her best day, I'll give her that. But as a male in a family full of women, and with a very diverse group of female friends, there's not one that I would even begin to describe with any similarity to Palin. There will be a female President in my lifetime, but she's not it.

The world tuned in, too, and we didn't disappoint. There appears to be a global acceptance of Obama as a symbol of, if nothing else, a possibility of change in the way everyone lives. He's touched people on every continent...people who look up to us as the hope of society as we know it. They were all given the cold shoulder by the Bush administration for the last eight years, and while no one thinks that it'll be like night and day, I've never seen this much of an outpour of emotion at the final days of a head of state. Let's think about it this way: citizens of other countries may not be able to directly influence who leads our country, but the person we choose will affect their countries from day one. We might have only gone 52-47, but globally, numbers were falling at 60-40, 65-35, even as high as 75-25. A couple billion people can't be wrong, right?

Moving on...what are the the conservatives concerned about with the shift of political power? Let's see...

- A supposed socialist agenda. People are taking the concept of "spreading the wealth" and running a country mile with it. They think that the government's going to take their hard-earned money, and give it to "lazy ne'er-do-wells who want to sit on their butts and never work for what they want." Two points on this one...first, are you doing what you want to do in your life? If the answer's yes, then keep doing what you do. Second...a good deal of the money you do give to the government goes toward all those little nuances that help you do what you want to do, i.e., streets to drive on (as terrible as Chicago's may be in some places), police to keep our President-Elect and his family from catching a bullet from a radical with a loss of hope, and schools to (try to) educate your kids. If you're that concerned about your money going to waste, then do something about it...everyone talks about how we have all these freedoms...well, this is one of the them. You have the freedom to change your world from the inside out.

- Taxes. Taxes, taxes, taxes. The Democrats are going to raise everyone's taxes to fund programs for who? You guessed it: The lazies. The (tentative) plan is to increase taxes for anyone making somewhere in the range of $150-$250K per year. Unfortunately, a lot of people stopped listening after "increase taxes." Either that, or there are a lot more people that are well-off than I thought!

The argument is that it would put a strain on small businesses...which leads me to my next question: what exactly qualifies as a "small business" to these people? I could be wrong, but if you're pushing triple digits on your business, you're doing pretty damn decent for yourself. That, and it would probably only apply to a percentage of the 20% of small businesses that happen to survive longer than five years.

And let's not forget Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, aka Joe The Plumber. The poor guy gets put into the national spotlight after a conversation between he and Obama, where he believes that Obama's tax plan will have a negative effect on him. Well, once he buys out his employer's plumbing business, which apparently rakes in something to the effect of $280K per. Well, there's three things wrong with Joe's concerns...first, the company in question only pulled in $100K in annual revenue, which is always higher than taxable income. Second...our good friend Joe is only pulling in $40K. How do we know? Divorce papers...proof that nothing is safe from the media. And most importantly...he's not a licensed plumber. Not in his city, his town, or anywhere in the state. He started his apprenticeship five years ago, which is just about right for him to be finishing up soon...in theory. The bigger lesson here, though: baby steps, Joe, baby steps! If you want a bit more insight, feel free to check him out on Wikipedia.

- Experience. Does Obama have enough experience for the task at hand? I don't think he does, but only because I honestly have to ask myself if there has ever been any one American who does have said experience (that didn't end up serving two terms). I mean, unless you've been a president of another country, no other position can prepare you for the trials and tribulations that the leader of a nation will encounter in their time. I don't care how old you are, many years you've served in the military, or what political seats you've held, it will never add up.

Let's see...what may have been different if he had stuck around in the Senate for another four years, picking up on the ins and outs of our government, "paying his dues," so to speak? Would Hillary or John Edwards have beaten out McCain? I doubt it. Hell, would Obama even be in the picture if Howard Dean didn't have that "byaaaaaahhhhh!!!" moment a few years back? And there's a good chance that there would be a generation...my generation...lost to the political process. Our votes still wouldn't matter.

Think about it...how often have you gone to apply for a job, knowing that you could excel at the position, only to be told that they're looking for someone with more experience? (Speaking of experience...watch this. It's a quick break from all the seriousness.) Of course, being a stock boy at Walmart is light years away from President, the sentiment is the same: you don't want someone else telling that you can't do something because someone hasn't paid you to do it before. Besides...if you have years of experience in a "job," and you're applying for the same type of "job," it might be time to think about changing some things around. Note that a "job" is different from a career, but you already know that.

- Religious/Moral Issues. Well...I normally wouldn't touch this subject with a ten-foot pole, only because we as a country have never been able to discuss it without someone getting heated. But with a few good friends in mind, I'll make it quick. California...I think you guys screwed up. No matter which demographic you want to blame, the fact that you even thought to re-up the issue of same-sex marriage is ridiculous. It's like reneging in spades...you just don't do it! This is exactly why church and state shouldn't mix...your church will always be different from someone else's. We all live and love in the same state. I know a couple people that were directly affected by this, and it sucks.

As far as abortion goes...do I think it's wrong? Yes...I think the creation of two people into one deserves a chance at life, considering how many people got that chance, and are completely wasting it. But...there are situations where you have to make some pretty hard decisions. I presented a scenario to a friend of mine...if you or your SO was expecting, and your doctor informed you that if you choose to continue your pregnancy, there was a very good chance that either you, your child, or both of you would not survive, what would you do? I would never wish that type of situation on anyone, but I think it's just something that makes you think about more than just the black and white.

All these things are just bound to fall under the political scope, whether we like it or not. It's where party lines divide, and allegiances lie. You may not agree with everything that's going on, but you should respect the other side's point of view. If you were on the winning side, you'd want the same thing. Now then...on to the more civilian issues.

- Is Barack Obama really American? Let's think about this one...the man's been to three private US post-secondary institutions (including Harvard Law), and was a Senator. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but as far as I knew, you have to verify your place of birth for all of these things. Sure, you don't have to be a natural US citizen for positions outside of the Presidency (although, nothing's really mentioned as far as being VP...implied, or possible loophole? Looking your way, Ahhnold!), but if something didn't add up before he decided to run for office, you better believe it would have been exposed. Remember...these are the same folks who find you after you move twice and change phone numbers three times, trying to get away from bill collectors!

- His name makes him a Muslim/terrorist/foreigner/whatever else you want to plug in here. Oh, so there's an issue because he isn't George, or Thomas, or William, or John, or Jack, or...well, you get my point. The most common name in the world isn't even English...it's Muhammad (and variations of it). Want to take a guess as to it's origin? Drum roll, please...Muslim! And he just happens to share a name with this guy...if he was a stand-up guy, no one would say a word about it. He just happens to be an asshole, and America thinks it's alright to condemn anyone who even sounds like they're related to him. He's lived on both sides of the world, and experienced many different cultures. How many people have never been outside of the town they've lived in all their lives? Come on, kids!

- He wants to take my guns away! Does he, really? Aww, that's too bad! Personally, you can have a military surplus in your tool shed for all I care, so long as it's all legal. If you use them for purposes outside of law enforcement (such as providing for one's family, or personal security), just state your case, and be on your way. I think gun control is geared more towards people who feel the need to own a rifle that could put a hole in someone's head from five miles away, yet others tend to suffer under some of the laws created. But then again...when your country's Vice President shoots another man in the face...and the guy he shot apologizes, you're not exactly making a strong case.

- Well, I just don't want no (insert racial epithet here) in the White House. Well...too bad. Note that this completely leaves out the fact that Obama is Kenyan-Arab and White, a more precise definition of African-American. For purposes of the argument, let's say that you couldn't tell he was mixed if you saw him on the street. I could take the easy way out, and say that this is the pain of oppression coming full circle, but it's deeper than that. I'm not going to blame anyone walking around today for something that was brought to an end (legally, at least) almost 150 years ago. I guess I see it this way...there were people that were oppressed before it became the flavor of the century in America, and there are still people who don't enjoy the freedoms that we do. The point is that if we consider ourselves to be an advanced society, then we should be past the superiority complex our ancestors were stuck on. News flash: it doesn't work! The oppressed will rebel, and the rules will change.

Oddly enough, during this entire process, some people managed to put their personal feelings aside, for the sake of their livelihood (a couple interesting reads here and here). Of course, if this is an indication of anything, it's that racism isn't as clear-cut as it's been made out to be. Will it ever end? I doubt it. There's always going to be someone to teach someone how to hate...the best we can do is teach everything but.

Moving on...anyone who's been pretty close to me knows what this event means to me...for my personal dreams. A day like November 4th was a day that had been brewing in my mind for years now...more like a pipe dream at first, then picked up a little with Bill (come on, you had to believe that he was as close to black as we were going to get for a while! haha...), and now, Barack. A Chicagoan, a South Sider who lives five minutes from my back door, a White Sox fan, who hoops on a regular basis. Sound familiar to anyone?

He has a beautiful wife, Michelle, who happens to be an alumnae of Whitney M. Young Magnet High School. Just crazy...we always talk about how you can go almost anywhere in the world, and you might run into a Dolphin. Now we can add 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue to the list! Two gorgeous little girls, Malia and Sasha, and they're, as the Chicago Sun-Times put it, "the Huxtables come to life." Proof that not all Black families are broken...Momma doesn't have to do it all on her own...Daddy comes home every night...and Big Mama will still be there. If you can't put your differences aside, and realize how amazing THAT is, you might as well just phone it in now. There are so many broken homes in general...so many kids that don't have an example of a cohesive family unit to look up to...and the White House tradition continues.

Think about it...he got young adults who could have cared less about voting to come out in droves...to learn about the process, study the issues, and make a decision based on what they felt was best for them, even if it wasn't in agreement with his platform. Like he says, "he'll be your President, too." The foundation of it all was to believe in something. Believe that little ol' you can change the world, if you want to. Believe that someone that looks like you can reach the mountaintop...and believe that someone who doesn't look like you can reach that same mountaintop. And not only can you get there, you can lead millions of people to that point.

For all those who think that the next four years are going to be the worst the United States has ever faced...and even those who think that they will be the best four years...find your own way to make your country better. If you want to be like Joe the Plumber, go for it...work hard, get your business, and live well. If you want to help the environment, get involved...go green, clean up your neighborhood, work with your local aldermen and congressmen. Just find something that drives you...something that not only makes the world outside your door a little brighter, but the soul that lives inside smile. We might elect the people who make the laws of the land, but we're still by the people, for the people.

So, this is my question to you, the people...are you ready for what's to come? We know where we've come from, but we can never go back. The goal is, and will always be, the same...the promised land. But we all have to walk in together. Don't let your fellow man become (or continue to be) one of the "lazies"...pick them up, and if nothing else, show them a way to prosper. No money necessary; just a good heart. A few encouraging words may be the difference between a PhD and living on the street.

I have a hoodie in my closet with the words, "Impossible Is Nothing." printed across the front. It's getting a little old, a little worn...but it makes it through the last laundry cycle, and it's still worn on the regular. It has always had a special meaning to me...but last Tuesday night, those three words meant more to me than anything else. It meant that my dreams can be a reality. All I ask is this, America...show me that you're better than what you've been. Show me what you're made of.

Another Year Gone By.

So...my birthday's next week. And to be honest, I'm really not too excited about it.

I have to work the entire weekend (Friday to Monday...who does that?!), and sleeping is starting to turn into my favorite pastime again, so skipping the entire day is a definite possibility at this point.

Let's see...how did this past year go? I think I'll keep it short this time around. I learned a lot, lived a lot, loved a lot, lost a lot, gained a lot. And the powers that be gave me another year as a reward.

Now for a few updates:

- For anyone that I may not have talked to, the wedding went well. Sister #1 and BIL are finally more relaxed, and after some time away, it's back to regularly scheduled programming.

- The little dude is getting huge! He's walking and talking now...he even found himself a date at the wedding! (The pic's on my phone...shoot me a message, and I'll send it to you.)

- Okay, so there wasn't a few...just those two. Oh, well.

I'm definitely resigned to the fact that I'm just getting older. The last three years have been pretty uneventful, in contrast to the theory that the fun starts at 21; I haven't spent the day with someone close (that I didn't share blood with) in five. Granted, part of that is due to the fact that I don't think I should have to call anyone to spend time with me on my own birthday, but the day itself does fall at a down time...there's the Labor Day holiday, which is the unofficial end of summer. Everyone's back in school, or working, and schedules are filling up pretty quick. More locally, Sister #1's SIL shares the same day with me, and Sister #2's is five days after. Being the more social of the three, she usually has something planned that everyone hops into.

I've been really tuned in on being more responsible, and I'm starting to see some of the things that get trimmed down in the process. Before the wedding, I hadn't had anything to drink in a month and a half, and a month before that. I went to a game the day after with a friend, and as much as I tried to get into it, I just wasn't feeling it. I had to work the next morning, and I could tell that they weren't having fun. Add in the fact that everyone works when I'm off, and fills their weekend daylight hours to make up for the fact that they're at work all week, and you get the general picture.

I think it's good for me, though. While I do feel bad, because I've lost touch with more than a few people, it's been beneficial in establishing the type of relationship (or lack thereof) that I have with them, and putting more time into getting to know people that would be interested in spending time with me. For a long time, I thought that just being cool with people would be enough. Not quite. If you're always there...always listening...always helping out...people treat you differently. You're just...there. There's nothing to work for. Some people will get mad about it; some will find a way to stir the pot; some will simply lose interest in being around you. Note that most displays of emotion at this point won't be received well...example statement: "You never get this worked up at any other time. This is only because you think you're losing something. You don't really care either way."

Regardless of how much truth may lie behind that, just being "cool" will lead to more losses than gains. And the kicker? You're the one that'll feel the worst about it. Everyone else will move on...you don't care, so why should they? I'm sure I've started a lot more problems than necessary, mostly without even trying. And for someone who rarely forgets names, faces, and places that have a really big impact, every day is like a sick flashback. One of the hardest parts of life that I deal with is the fact that there are things that I'll never be able to make right. For anyone who may be on the other end of anything like this (and you know who you are), just know: I care. I always will. It hurts like hell.

All screwups aside...somehow, I still manage to get to the other side. There's a lesson to be learned, a lot of pain to get through, and a lot of love left to give. It's been 23 years, and 359 days...and I still don't get it all. And you know what? That's quite alright. Someone's giving me the chance to learn. Happy birthday to me.

Eight Days Away...

My oldest sister is getting married next Sunday...and I'LL be glad when it's over. She's been driving herself crazy with all the planning and whatnot, plus all of the other random drama that's popped up in the last few months or so. I know she's just anxious for the day that they can say their "I do's", go on their honeymoon, and finally relax a little.

It seems to be working out well...the family gets along with the BIL (brother-in-law, for the acronym-impaired), and he's basically the brother I never had. The fact that it took them so long to get to this point is another story in itself, but it's just good that they stuck it out, and they made it. I've seen so many other couples fall apart in the time they've been together, and usually over things that could be resolved with a little time and patience.

I have to admit, I'm a little nervous. Not only am I groomsman, which is an honor in itself, but I'll be singing, too. To be more specific...I'll be singing for my sister as she comes down the aisle. Not the traditional "Wedding March," as you would expect. I've been working on it, but I know it's still going to drive me crazy when the time finally comes.

My main focus is being able to keep my eyes open long enough...working overnights isn't hard, but it's definitely thrown off my sleeping pattern. Here's the general schedule for next week: I have to work the Friday and Saturday before (I was going to work late Sunday, too, but my mom convinced me otherwise. Not that I think work or money is more important, but I NEED to. We'll go into why later...). Wedding stuff is basically all day Sunday...if I don't finish up at work at a decent time (around 7:30am), there's a good chance that sleep just won't happen for a while.

But wait, there's more...there's the possibility of a doctor's appointment on Monday afternoon, I'm supposed to go to a White Sox game with a friend that night (I haven't been to one in years, so I'm not trying to miss it...that, and a girl that enjoys baseball is hard to come by), and I have work again Tuesday morning. Thankfully, I have Wednesdays and Thursdays off...I'm turning off everything, and passing out!

The weird thing is...there was a time when I thought I was close to where my sister is now. I was pretty sure that I'd met the person I was going to marry...but things happen...lines get crossed, and there's not enough that can be said or done to clear the air. Is it sad? Definitely...no one wants to lose someone that they really care about. But the silver lining is that someone will come along, and it'll make you completely re-think the way you do things, usually for the better.

Okay...back to the need to work. Yeah, it's something that should just be done, but next Sunday also starts an unofficial countdown of sorts. At some point in early 2009, the newlyweds are moving to St. Thomas...the BIL's originally from there, and his dad owns a resort there. They're going to take over running the business...it wasn't supposed to happen for a while, but there was an unfortunate incident earlier in the year, and it kinda sped things up a bit.

As it relates to me, it only gives me a few months yet to keep the ball rolling, and find some new digs, or face one of four situations: I move in with my other sister (granted, I would get to see the little dude a lot more, but I would slowly turn into a babysitter...not too fun), I move back with my dad (anyone who knows me knows that this just isn't happening, and for good reason), or I stay where I am, and live with my mom when she gets ready to move (I love my mom to death, and it's the most viable of the three, but it would effectively destroy my social life), or I pack up and move to St. Thomas with the couple (I'd have a place to stay, and a job lined up fairly fast, but I'd have to leave the rest of my world behind).

This is reason numero uno for getting myself to work every day...busted economy or not, a person's living situation is one way we indicate their personal progress. Whether it's accurate or not is different, but the surface is usually all that we have to go on. My circumstances aren't your run-of-the-mill type, but I have a pretty good grip on what needs to be done. I'm going to take my time, and cross things off, one by one.

I might end up staying in Chicago...or I might end up on the other side of the world. Either way, I'm going to make myself happy. You're welcome to come along for the ride, but if not, I'll see you when I see you. Let the countdown begin...eight days.

If I Could...

...I surely would.

I wish I could go back, and just have one day...a day with no worries...a day where everything makes sense...just you and I.

I think about it a lot more than I should...and I wonder, is it's just because it's not there? Or...is it because I had finally allowed myself to let go?

It's easier to write now...because I know that you aren't there to read it.

They say that the biggest part of caring about someone is being able to let them go...but "they" never explain the hole that remains.

I woke up one day, and the words came so easily...a simple promise.

"I am not who you think I am...I will be bigger, I will be better, and I will be more than you will ever imagine. And when you see me on your TV, and in your magazines, and you hear me on the radio...smile. Why? Because you pushed me...to dream a little bigger, to love a little harder, and to go for what I want, no matter how long it takes. Anyone who knows about me will know about you, and the difference you made. No matter what good fortune may be ahead...I will never forget what got me there, and I will never regret any of it. I'm on my way to the top...you can love me or hate me...but you'll never look at me the same again."

There's going to be a time when I feel as free as I did again. You may never know, and you may never care, but you've changed the world. My world. And when the time comes, the rest of the world will know, too.

If you read this...and you wonder..."who is this for?"...it's for you. You may not have understood then, and you may not even understand now...but there are some things that just can't be put into words. And when I get to wherever it is that I choose to go, I'm going to stop, take a good look around, look to the sky, and say, "Thank You."

When In Doubt...

Have you ever had one of those moments when the light switch finally turns on? Or better yet, when the lights go out entirely? How about both at once?

After a rather animated discussion with a "friend" a couple weeks ago, I could literally feel myself shut off...I had reached the point where I realized that the person I am (or attempting to become) would do nothing more than drive others away. Being simplistic meant that I had nothing else to offer to the people I chose to have in my life...being "nice" meant taking the emotion out of every interaction I've ever had...and that my rare expressions of emotion would be met with doubt, disdain, or indifference..."Why now?" "If that were the case, why didn't you say that before?" "It doesn't matter now."

During a conversation with someone earlier today, one of those switches came back on, and I asked myself, "why am I talking to this person?" Our interactions had regressed to the point where the beginning of a conversation was also the end, and that I had unconsciously brought it to that point. Things are now at a point where "no expectations" are set...but there's no mutual respect. Impressions are extremely hard, if not impossible, to change once they are set, and in this case, I'm not sure if a change would ever be perceived.

I've had enough time alone to accept the fact that I'm too "nice" to others...."nice" in terms of being too giving...too neutral...too laid-back, as someone put it...too much of a lot of things. It doesn't improve the way someone feels about me...it doesn't make them comfortable...rather, it makes them wonder what's wrong with me...what the catch is...and more often than not, when something negative arises, the impact is heavier.

When things are calm...all the time...there's nothing to work at...nothing to stir up interest. Looking back, I see that a lot of things were said and done in an effort to stir up emotions that, in my case, often go untouched. And in effect, keeping the same temperament was making the situations worse. If I didn't show emotion during minor issues, how could I expect anyone to believe that there would be an effective display when it really mattered? Or...if I only expressed emotion when I was too stressed (or the other person was too stressed/angered/frustrated) to do it positively, and it left me picking up the pieces of what could have been?

In some cases, my being "nice" has made others feel worse about themselves. There's no definite gauge of my personality, and no way for them to know what's acceptable, and what isn't. After a bit of observation, I noticed that it actually makes others more self-conscious around me. Regardless of what I might say, the lack of social interaction leaves people to question whether what I'm saying is genuine, or if there is hidden disdain for their words and actions. They might think that I'll just go along with whatever everyone is doing, without providing any personal input...or that I really don't like them, and I'm just putting on a good face...or that I'm just not an entertaining person to be around. No one wants to be on edge when they're around someone...

And, unfortunately, there are people who grew to dislike me...I think, "just keep a cool head, be reasonable, and it'll balance out." And I couldn't be more wrong. That same want to be logical, unbiased, and factual, is often cold, uncaring, and not always an external representation of any internal thoughts or feelings. Giving everyone a pass...saying that things are okay, even if they believe that they aren't or shouldn't be...makes people think that I've adopted a "holier-than-thou" attitude, that somehow, I believe that I can bypass emotions somehow. Neither are close to being true, but the desire to minimize conflict seems to show otherwise.

As my "friend" (I put it in quotes because I really don't know what it is that we have) finished their monologue, and made their exit, not caring or respecting any response on my part, all I could do was sit and think, "how many other people have felt that way?" And in a moment, ten years of my life flashed by...and then it went blank. It was not only "blowing a fuse," so to speak, but reaching a very painful conclusion: the person I am will ultimately keep me away from the one thing I want more than anything...love. Not just in the relationship sense, but in the very basic sense.

I will be perfectly honest...it scares the living hell out of me for someone to know the absolute truth about me. There's nothing morally condemning...are there some less-than-stellar decisions? Have I hurt people that I would go to the ends of the earth for? Things that I would kill to have a second chance at? A resounding "yes" to all three. I've made an effort to be as honest as I can about what's going on with me more recently...it's been a mixed bag. There are poor shadows of what used to be friendships...little or no expectations, or a settled conclusion, of me, and the type of person I am, which leads to poor interactions...and in one case, the decision that it was easier to hate me than to try to care.

Last Monday, I made the hardest phone call of my life. I wasn't going to do anything crazy...but I realized that I had finally hit the bottom. Until that point, I was able to pick myself up, and keep pushing, and I could manage the pain I was dealing with. But I was completely tapped out...I had pushed out every bit of energy I had...and I was alone. Everything that had happened before that point was either beyond repair, or has massive cracks...and there was no way that I could allow anything to go on in the future with my current state of mind.

As I do more research, and I prepare myself for what's about to come, I also start to come to grips with the reality that there are not many people around me at the moment that will understand...or try to understand...or even believe...some of the thoughts that crowd my mind on an everyday basis. I'm not saying that it's beyond understanding, or that no one else has anything going on, or that my issues are so important, everyone should know about them. It's accepting that as things begin to change, I'll have to say goodbye to some of the people, places, and things that surround me.

Some might say, "good riddance"...some might say, "why me?"...and some might say, "do what you have to do." All I can say is not to take it too personally...if you really feel that it does affect you, then please understand that my relationship with you will change, and it is an opportunity to address minor/major issues, and if possible, establish a healthier bond for both of us. I hope that it's something that I can accomplish with everyone, but I can't (and won't) feel bad if someone isn't willing, or they don't think it (and in effect, me) is worth the effort. I'll still be giving...just not as much. I'll still listen...just not as much. I'll still be there if you need me...just not as much.

It might have taken me almost a quarter century...but damn it, I'm going to get this thing called life right.

Summer Is Officially Here.

My favorite event of the year (after the three holidays previously mentioned) is coming up fast.

This is my favorite time of year, and I wish I could spend a little bit of it with everyone. I know it's not possible, for many reasons, but I keep a part of everyone with me wherever I go. Yes, that includes you.

Life happens...but love remains. I probably don't say it enough (it's a personality thing...), and I know I write about a lot of stuff, but it's only because my heart tends to get into things pretty deep.

Anyways...to all my friends...wherever you are, remember that you're loved.

Here's to summer. Live it up.

One More Day.

I've managed to make it through weekend number one...that is, after getting over the "instant nerves," as I like to call it, that came on. I guess it's just the "shit, it's actually happening" aspect of it that gets me.

As fate would have it, Sister #1 got me sick...hopefully, my throat doesn't close up before Friday. It's been an interesting experience so far...yeah, we're all competing against one another, but it doesn't seem like it. Everyone seems to get along, and it'll be weird not seeing them as often after it's all said and done.

For anyone who might have been expecting something a little deeper...I got nothing for you tonight. Sorry to disappoint you. I'm a little tapped out at the moment, I guess...maybe it's the headache talking, but who knows. Wait, I do have something...

I think we can agree that one of the ongoing paths of life is the desire to be better understood. But what happens when the fact that you're not starts to unfold?

I know that some of my thoughts, thoughts that may sound simple to me, aren't going to be seen the same way. I like to think that I'm making myself clear, but maybe the details are hiding the bigger picture. Or maybe my "simple" isn't "simple" to others...

The worst part of this thought is that it makes me sound like I have to oversimplify myself (or "dumb it down") to relate to my friends and family, which isn't what I'm going for. It would just be really nice if there was one person who I could talk to, and when the day is over, they can say, "I get it." I don't think it's like asking anyone to turn water into wine, but I'm not sure.

It makes me think of the old saying..."you have to understand yourself before anyone else can." I think I have a pretty good grip on myself...and others wonder how I can approach life the way that I do. I must be crazy...I don't really care about (insert person or issue here)...if they were me, they'd (insert random solution here). It's (mostly) in the name of being helpful, which is something I touched on in "Dreams...", and it's definitely a step in the right direction.

Is there anyone in my life right now that I think truly "gets" me? Nope. The parentals are probably the closest, and I think it's because they finally decided to just let me go about things my own way, and just ask questions when they want to know about something. Very simple, yet very effective. Am I opening myself enough to let others in? Sure...I'll tell you anything you want to know. Do I shut myself off fairly quickly? Yeah...when it's clear that things aren't the same. Am I unique? Definitely...just like everyone else.

So many thoughts...about everyone and everything. If you think that I've forgotten about you, or anything that might have happened, well...I haven't. I think it's physically impossible for me to do it...I've had to "remember" things when I come across old friends, just because I think it seems a little odd to be able to recall some details to a "T." Yeah, it can be a little rough sometimes...there are some people, places, and things that I would kill to never have to think about again. Not because I don't care, but because I want to pick up the phone and say, "I miss you. I'm sorry. Let's start over." Sometimes, you can...and sometimes, you just have to pray that that someone knows how much you love them, that you can see that place again, and that some of those things will come back in a new form.

I'm thankful for the time that everyone spends in my life...whether it be a minute or a year. I hope that anyone who reads this realizes that, too. Okay, time for some NyQuil and food...thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Snide remarks? Go for it.

Inside Out.

I'm getting myself ready for tonight...by this point, I'd be really nervous, but for some reason, I'm not.

For the first time in a long while, I'm a part of something where I don't feel like I stick out. That, and I get to do something I love, and be encouraged to push myself a little more each day. I've met a few interesting people, and maybe it's just the beginning of an even bigger path for me.

I've always felt that music can change us in ways we could never imagine...the right song, and the right words, can turn us "inside out," putting our thoughts and emotions on display. Imagine, if you will...

- How many people have listened to Roberta Flack's "Killing Me Softly" (or Al B. Sure, or Luther Vandross, or The Fugees, depending on which generation you're in), and thought about that someone that was just out of their reach?
- When you just couldn't find the right way to tell someone just how much you care about them, and you turn on the radio, and you hear Stevie Wonder's "My Cherie Amour"...Boyz II Men's "A Song For Mama"...Luther Vandross's "Dance With My Father." Time stops for a few minutes, and you realize that you probably could have never put your thoughts into any better words.
- Feeling a little bit less than best, and wishing that things were different...you just want to be mad, or just want to cry...everyone has that one song that they can't help but sing along to when they're down, and one song that's guaranteed to instantly make you remember why you were feeling so bad in the first place.

There's no last-minute apprehension...no awkward uncomfortableness with everyone involved...all I have to do is sing, and have fun doing it. The only people there to impress are the judges, and at the end of the night, everyone's had a good time. It's almost weird...I can forget about the world for five minutes, and just sing.

With good will, I'll make it to the end of this whole thing. But whenever this journey ends, I know that it's only the first step in the right direction. Getting in touch with people who enjoy music, and not feeling like I have to be "on" when I tell people that I sing (you know how it goes...you tell people that you sing, and it's like, "ohh, sing something for me! come on!"). Is it fun? Sure. But sometimes, I just want to enjoy the song like everyone else...sing along, not worrying about whether it sounds good or not, all that jazz. The fun gets taken out of it very quickly when you're put on the spot.

Like anyone else, this is one of the many parts of what makes me a pretty good whole. My parts are definitely all over the place...I've never been the type to just lock in on one thing. If there's a few aspects of a part of life that catch me, I'm going to dive in on all of them. Like...

- Sports. I have no objection to anyone else's personal preferences, by any means, but it'd be nice to go from a Bulls game to a Bears game to a White Sox game without a fuss about something being boring (and if things keep going the way they are, come October/November, all three will be on at the same time...pretty much amazing!). My goal isn't to be overly great at any one sport, but it's fun to give it a shot. I want to play hockey someday...for one reason, and one reason alone...ten points if you know the answer! If not, feel free to ask.
- Technology. Yes, I like it, and it's something that comes a bit easier to me than others. But there are a lot of people in the field that deal with it, and that's basically all that they do. When I'm working on something, like a new program or dealing with someone's computer-related issues, I'm really into it, and it comes out in "tech-speak," if you will. But when I'm done, it's back on the shelf, and that's that.
- Cooking. My TV's on the Food Network as I type. This is always a tricky subject, mostly because each of us are plenty particular about what we eat. In my 23 years, 9 months, and 1 week on this earth, not including parents, and not including anyone related to me, I've only had two people cook for me. And one of them lied about it...she didn't want to own up to it if I didn't like it (which, by the way, is NOT the right way to go!). I appreciate it because I know the time and effort that goes into making something, and hoping that whoever you're serving it to will like it. When it comes to eating, however...I figure as long as it's thoroughly cooked, and it comes from the heart, I'm happy. Who lies about food? Honestly!
- Traveling. Some might say, "oh, you didn't seem so excited when you were at (XYZ)." Keeping with the theme of "inside out," I enjoy being in new places period, but I'm probably more into the random adventure...which basically means that if I get an idea for something in my head, it'll probably happen within 72 hours. I'd love to find a couple people to be random with, but if not, I'll send postcards and whatnot. The time I spent in LA was priceless...if you don't already know the story, ask me why I just can't look at Superman the same way anymore.

It would be completely crazy to think that I could find someone that would be just as big on some of these things as I am, so it's not that I'm looking for anyone to cover all the bases. Besides, it's just fun to be around different groups of people, and still be able to enjoy life. If some of the same faces turn up in different groups, it would be pretty welcoming, but it's not a requirement. A big part of friendship is realizing what you have in common with someone, and being able to grow together.

Well, it's about that time. I'm checking out for the weekend...have fun, be safe, don't drink and drive, all that good stuff. And if there's barbecue somewhere...call me!

I'm really serious about that. Call me. I've had a taste for some all week.

Easy Like Sunday Morning...

So...Sister #1 convinced me to go to a wedding with her yesterday, since the BIL is still out of town. Now, I am not a huge fan of most things that require a tie (I haven't worn a tuxedo since senior prom...6 years ago). I have no qualms about getting dressed, and making myself look nice, but the tie thing has always bugged me a little. This particular event, however, was at the Columbia Yacht Club, so I didn't have much of a choice.

The groom was a former classmate of Sister #1 and BIL, and we played in a couple basketball leagues together. I hadn't seen him in years, but at the time that I knew him, I would have never imagined him getting to this point. Last night, he looked like a completely different guy, and it really made me think about how much life can change once you find the right connection.

He and his wife are Buddhists, and the ceremony went as such. It was the first time I had been to a wedding of the kind (well, including this one, I've only been to four in my lifetime, so there's not a lot of room for disparity), but it was pretty interesting, to say the least. And as the day turned into night, and everyone gathered for the reception, switch after switch begin to go off in my mind, and I was instantly lost in my thoughts.

I looked around the room, seeing all of the family and friends that had gathered, and I thought, "if I were getting married next week, who would come?" This might be the worst thing I could admit, but I'm really not sure. With Sister #1 getting herself ready for her big day, I watched her, one of her closest friends since high school, and her future sister-in-law stuffing invitations, and producing two boxes full of little white envelopes. And these boxes were NOT small, by any means.

I'm not nearly as social as Sister #1, and nowhere near Sister #2, so I'm not expecting hundreds of people to come out for any given occasion. But sometimes, I look at my sisters, and I look at how many lives they've managed to touch in their time. I've crossed paths with plenty of people myself, but I always wonder if anyone I don't share blood with would be wiling to share the day with me.

I'm sure that this is just my mind playing tricks on me, but it's a fairly valid question. It's less of a worry about others, and more of a worry about myself. At the reception, we sat next to couple friends of ours, a married couple. After we were done with dinner (side note...food that isn't thoroughly cooked is a bad idea), everyone was hanging, talking, and whatnot. I wasn't in the mood for alcohol (despite the massive abundance of it), and I was still hungry, so I was just relaxing until Sister #1 was ready to leave. One of our friends asked me, "you can't possibly be this quiet all the time, can you?" I answered her honestly, and it made me wonder...

To what extent does one's social affinity play a role in their overall perception?

To put it a little simpler...does the closeness you have with someone really affect what you think about who they are and how they act/react to things? The very short answer is yes. Of course, you're going to be closer to someone you've known for years than someone you met last week. But what if it takes a much longer time than one would expect to allow that type of closeness? What if even the most basic parts of what makes you who you are become increasingly difficult to share?

I know what you're thinking..."if you feel like you can't share yourself with anyone, why do you write in a forum where the world can see?" Easy...I write things out so the thoughts don't drive me up the wall. That, and I don't expect anyone to read what I write. The question in my mind definitely comes into play here...that closeness is the difference between the thought of "you know, I've never thought of things that way before," and "oh, he just wants to hear himself talk." I wish things didn't have to be that way, but c'est la vie, I suppose.

The hardest part of all is that you very rarely, if ever, get the opportunity get to tell the people you feel the most for...the people you want to listen...what goes on in the back of your mind...and in some cases, how much you really care for them. I think it's just easier to let things out when it's established that it doesn't matter...what you say or do has very little effect on how they see you, because they've already made up their mind.

Yeah, I'm able to get things off my chest this way, but is it well received? Nope. Among some of the top responses: "why didn't you say anything before?", "why are you telling me this now? ", and "what difference does it make?" Usually, this comes from those who have made an earnest effort to forget that I exist altogether, due to things that should or shouldn't have been done...things that should or shouldn't have been said. I've been called a liar more times than I care to think about...and yeah, it doesn't make things any easier. To constantly have to prove yourself...battle against every word spoken about you...and wonder if you'll even be on speaking terms with someone on any given day...I don't think I've had a full night's sleep in months.

I'm taking one of my biggest fears head on this week...I love singing, but it's ridiculously nerve-wracking to sing in front of strangers. And to have to sing first...EVERY night...for as long as I can stay involved in this thing...it'll take every bit of me to keep my heart from crawling up my throat, and out of my mouth while I'm on stage.

There's rarely a moment that passes during a day where I don't have my mp3 player on shuffle, singing to whatever pops up. I connect almost everything that goes on my life with music...there are so many songs that instantly remind me of someone, someplace, or something...for example:

- Anything by Sara Bareilles.
- Anything by Brian McKnight.
- Anything by Jay-Z.
- Anything from "Making The Band"...Danity Kane and Day26.
- Anything from American Idol.
- Anything by Luther Vandross.
- Anything country...more specifically, Kenny Chesney and Rascal Flatts.
- "Refuge (When It's Cold Outside)", John Legend.

There's plenty more...but that's the easiest way to connect with me. There's a good chance that if there was some sort of music involved, I'll probably remember a song that played the day I met you, and every time it comes on (and I do mean every time), you'll instantly pop up in my mind. It never fails. And for anyone who's ever coaxed me into singing for them...well, no matter how far away we may go, you'll never be forgotten.

Unfortunately, it's not always fun for me...I'm my own worst critic when it comes to a lot of things. You might hear a good singing voice, or read what you think is a good post, but more often than not, I hear the notes I missed, and part of the story that I wanted to add, but forgot. To this day, I've never been able to explain why I do it, but it makes any outside criticism (constructive or otherwise) that much harder, if for no other reason than the fact that I've probably thought about everything that's being said on a continuous loop before the words even leave your mouth.

I've had to fall out something terrible with someone, and re-approach them entirely, before the point where I'm slightly better understood arrives. And I always get the classic line..."If you would have been like this before, it would have been so much different. You're so much more (insert random adjective here) now." In the back of my mind, all I can think is, "No, I'm the same person. You just took the time to really listen to me." I could be wrong, but it does seem as though it's a bit easier to take things in and understand when there's no personal attachment involved.

This is a very big part of who I am...I write (not to hurt or criticize others, but to make them think), and I sing (not because I think it will lead to something big, but because it's one the things that makes my heart feel amazing). But there's so much more...sports (I'm going to play until my body tells me that I can't anymore), computers (there's nothing better than being able to build something, piece by piece, and know that it's yours), traveling (I've been all over the place...taking the time to explore, and and see what the world has to offer, is indescribable...), and food (cooking is definitely something I don't talk about as much, but it stems from the love of personal creation...a few people have experienced it, and I didn't get any complaints).

Building a positive, trusting relationship on any level is harder for me than it probably should be...not because it's something that I can't or don't want to do, but being mindful of the fact that all good things in life take hard work. Accepting the people in your life for who they are, and accepting yourself, but at the same time, not being so set on yourself that you refuse to change for the people you love the most. We only get one chance at life, and it's not worth the time and effort that goes into, not to mention the pain and anger that comes out of, not being able to work out your problems with someone, and forgetting what brought you together in the first place.

The pieces are trying to come together...there's a lot of time left.

Dreams...

I close my eyes at night, and I escape to the privacy of my mind. There's one big problem...the world that I see just isn't the same.

Yesterday, my family celebrated my nephew's first birthday. Granted, his actual birthday was three weeks ago, but this was the first time everyone was in the same general vicinity in quite some time. It was good times...one of those increasingly rare moments where my family is in one place without some kind of conflict. Plus, there was barbecue, which pretty much speaks for itself...but moving on.

Watching him wobble around (by the way, for anyone I haven't talked to in a while, he's walking now), laughing and playing and all that good stuff, it made me think back to when I was younger...running around the house (because living in a neighborhood with a tendency for random violence mixed with a slightly overprotective family doesn't do well for an excess of outside entertainment), and all I had to worry about (until I reached school age) was if there was enough milk for my cereal in the morning. It made me realize how much time has really passed, and how far along I had come

At the end of the night, while my sister and I were on our way home, she turned to me and asked, "do you ever think you'll want to have kids?" It was a conversation that we've had in the past...there's a good chance that Denim might be the only grandchild my parents have. Why's that, you ask? Let's see...after everything Sister #2 (aka Mom) went through, she's not exactly itching to do it all over again. Sister #1 has never been too keen on children...I think a lot of things would have to fall into place for that to happen. As for myself...well...

It goes back to the dream that plays out in my mind...there's a house, but when I walk inside, it's completely empty. I don't believe it's to say that I don't have any dreams or desires...there are a few of those stored away. But there are days where I wonder if maybe I've hidden them a little too far from myself. Allow me to explain...I'm very much committed to the streamlined approach to creating a family: meet someone, get to know them, decide the person is just not-crazy enough to spend time with, establish yourselves, decide that the person is just not-crazy enough to spend your life with them, do the "dumm-dum-da-dum," and then the little ones. Something everyone goes for, right? Right.

The last couple years or so, I seem to be getting stuck in Step 3 of said process (God, I sound like I'm in AA or something...). I'll readily admit that everyone has a little bit of crazy in them (and if they say that they don't, then there's your answer), and it takes the right balance of two personalities to make things work. That being said, Step 3 has been the killer in terms of moving life along in the personal aspect of things.

Now, before I move on, let me interrupt and say a few things about myself before any potential readers start the "he has issues, too" train of thought.

- I had a bit of a revelation the other night during a conversation with Sister #1...one where I realized that, well, I'm just not big on small talk. Not in the slightest. I don't say this to take away from the value of it all, but there's a good chance that if I'm talking, it usually has a point in the end. (I am also fully accepting the counter-argument that small talk is a vital part of Step 2, and I don't have any objections against it. Furthermore, said statement is not a means of devaluing anything that anyone else says.)
- The lack of small talk has led to the general list of inquiries, i.e., "what's wrong? are you okay? you're quiet. you don't have anything to talk about?" To which the response (approximately 98.6% of the time) is, "I'm good. Don't worry about it." More often than not, asking what's going on repeatedly usually results in something going on...make sense? Haha.
- Contrary to popular belief (and contrary to anything I've said otherwise in my lifetime, apparently), I hate talking about myself. Note that this note doesn't fall under that category...this is just taking my thoughts, and moving them from my head, and onto the surface. I mean more in the sense of the not-so-introspective stuff that tends to come out every now and then. I'm not rude about it...you can ask me about damn near anything, and I'll answer it to the best of my abilities. Outside of that, I just really enjoy listening to life through the mind of another. That means you can talk to your heart's content, and it's perfectly fine.

Okay...I think I can get back to the original thought. I realize that my disposition also plays a huge part in what will be referred to from this point as the "Step Three Syndrome," or STS. I'm not the most open person in the world, by any means...growing up as an introvert in a slightly more extroverted family (read: quiet kid in a LOUD crowd...) made my childhood, to say the least, an interesting experience. Let's just say that family gatherings were equally fulfilling and depressing, and leave it at that.

This is just a personal observation, but on occasion, it seems as though the social butterflies in my life have a bit of a time understanding why I choose to be, well, not social as often. Don't get me wrong...I love hanging out and having fun as much as the next. But I'm at an age where I realize that I have a set amount of energy at any given point, and when it's gone, I'm done. It's time to go home and "recharge," if you will. It's also why I'm big on being somewhat prompt...if you're late, it's less time you get to spend with someone, and you can't get it back. And, to some degree, I feel like it's a fair indication of how high (or low) you are on another person's list at the moment. Side note: this is within the scope of normal situations. Crazy stuff happens, and it's not right to hold it against someone when they do. This is more in reference to the friend that's always late (or rescheduling, or cancelling). Then again, I think the word "friend" is used a little too loosely these days. It's very hard for me to be able to fully trust someone who can't even return a phone call, let alone talk to about anything that's going on with me. It may sound a bit extreme, but the way that people treat one another in their social world speaks mountains to how they may feel in their personal world.

As I sit on the steps of the house in my mind, I can see to the edge of the horizon in every direction. There's not a single thing in the sky but the sun...not even a fly. There's a road that passes through, but there's nothing coming or going. Pure silence...there's just me, God, and my thoughts.

By no means am I in a rush to have things happen...if something happens to come along, then it's all good, but if God's plan is to have me go at things on my own, then so be it. I've always been pretty comfortable with doing things that are mostly considered "group activities" by myself...i.e., going to movies, mall trips, sit-down restaurants, club/bar hopping, stuff like that. Company is always welcome, but there's no way in hell I'm giving up my day because someone else has different plans.

Life's supposed to be just one big experience...you take what's been done, find out what you're meant to learn from it, and you create your future. I spend a lot of time...too much, probably...thinking about the acquaintances/friendships/relationships that I've lost, and thinking about what could have been (and maybe what would have been) if I were different...if I would have said a little more (or less, depending on who you ask)...if I could believe that the words coming out were spoken in sincerity. I'm moving towards giving the benefit of the doubt more often, pushing aside the thought that it does nothing more than give others a free pass to continue being the way they are. And considering I've made a science of letting things sail over my head, I think I do a pretty good job of spotting it.

I call out, hoping that there's someone or something around that will respond. Nothing. I go back inside, I sit and ask God, "why am I here? why is there no one around?" Nothing. There's nothing to do but sit and watch the sun set.

Another important lesson I'm still in the process of learning is that the way you see yourself and the way that others see you are not...even...close. Some real-time examples:

• I tend to come off as selfish/self-absorbed/arrogant/similar adjectives, according to more than one person. After a little thought, and a little research, I have to say that I don't disagree. I'm very much a self-conscious person, in the sense that I tend to mentally monitor everything and everyone, and I end up stopping my train of thought well before it reaches my mouth. It goes along with the whole listening more than speaking ideal...sometimes, I end up taking so much in that I have no idea what to say when someone actually asks. It kinda goes like, "well, I remember hearing about this, in relation to that, in relation to that other thing...I probably shouldn't mention that...really don't want to get that ball rolling...just keep it very simple, and move on." The result is usually a very unbiased response, although I try my best to make it something for the other person to think about. Unfortunately, it doesn't always (read: rarely) goes over well with some folks.
  
  I will say this...if you tell me something, it will always be on my mind, whether it be the next day or five years from now. That's why it never ceases to amaze me when people are surprised that I remember certain dates (for example...January 14, February 14, March 5, March 21, April 12, April 16, April 23, May 10, May 12, June 20, July 6, August 13, August 20, September 3, September 11, September 12, September 21, October 11, October 19, November 1, November 17, November 26, December 21, December 27, and December 28 all have a significant meaning to me), or random facts (which I won't mention here). They'll look, and they'll say, "how in the world do you remember that?" And my only response is, "why wouldn't I?"

• I'm "too deep." I will be the first to admit that I put a lot of thought into things that most people wouldn't think twice about. I take a lot of pride in knowing as much as I can about life, and I am very aware of the fact that there's more out there than I can ever take in. But very rarely will you hear me say, "it is what it is." My mind's always running...looking for a different way to do things, new answers to some of life's more interesting questions. And to be honest, it's just disappointing when I get into something really good, and all I get is, "I guess." It goes back to the speaking/listening conversation once again. The weird thing is that this often comes up with the same people who claim that I don't talk enough for them. It's hard to find someone that I can have a good conversation with about life...why certain things happen, why people are the way that they are, what could stand to change, and all that good stuff. Don't be mistaken, now...I'm good for something amazingly random every now and then (right now, I'm addicted to the song from the freecreditreport.com commercial...you know, the one when they're in the restaurant? yeah, don't ask). But there's so much more to be concerned about than reality TV and who's hanging out/hooking up with who.

• I'm judgmental. I could be completely wrong about this one...but aren't we all? You'd be very hard-pressed to find someone that hasn't assumed, stereotyped, or come to their own personal conclusions about someone or something. The last few months, I've had my fill of people saying, "don't judge me because of (XYZ)." The first thought that comes to mind when I hear that is, "if you're concerned about being judged about whatever you're doing, why do it in the first place?" Of course, the answer is that it's because it's something that you personally enjoy. You just have to have faith that the person that you're sharing yourself with won't look at you differently as a result.
  
  One of the saddest lessons that I had to learn is that we live in a society where we judge one another by every individual act, and that a slip of the tongue or a pointing of the finger can very quickly destroy anything positive that you're striving to attain. If you've been following the presidential race at all, or any of the major sports scandals, we are quick to question even the most influential people of our time, based on what they decide to do in their personal lives (which, in the vast majority of cases, has very little or no effect on our lives at all, but that's neither here nor there).
  
  I can live with the fact that what I say and/or do shifts the way I'm seen, no matter how much time passes. Asking not to be judged is a waste of time...I mean, Jesus, the most spiritually/mentally/emotionally/morally righteous man to walk the earth, wasn't safe from it, and look what happened to Him...the way I see it, if it's something that makes you happy, doesn't cross any extreme barriers, and doesn't have any affect on me, then I could care less.

• I don't "understand" others the way that I should. Well...I hate to be the one to break the news...but I'm not perfect. I screw up quite a bit, and I tend to hurt feelings quite a bit, albeit not intentionally. But the thing about life is learning from your mistakes...finding out why what you did was wrong, and finding a way that works. Proclaiming that you've exhausted all your options, without allowing some room for adjustment and discussion, is equally frustrating for the hurt party and the party attempting to change.
  
  I know that I'm not an easy person to understand (mostly based on all the stuff I've been talking about so far), and that I get internally frustrated with other people very quickly. But in the same thread, the people who want to listen will, and they'll take in what you're saying and actually remember it (there are people in my life that I've known for years that don't remember when my birthday is...and checking Facebook doesn't count). I try my best to understand the people in my life, and I just hope that I can be understood in return. If it happens that way, fine, but if not, it's alright...I think it's safe to say that I don't expect a lot from other people. Which brings me to my next point...

• I don't give people enough credit. Yeah...I'm not going to argue this one bit. It comes from a more than a few years of broken promises...wasted hope...wasted love...unnecessary fights...crossed signals...and watching as, one by one, the people I care about most disappear. I don't hold what's happened before with anyone new...I'm not going to say, "well, this person did (XYZ) to me, so I'm not going to trust you." I do, however, take a very realistic approach to things these days. Everyone gets a clean slate...I just don't expect too much.

The sun has gone down, and the house in my mind is lit by a sky completely full of stars. A stark contrast from the light-polluted city, and very welcome. The silence that filled the day is carried over to the night, and is establishing itself as the norm. I make my way to bed, and I close my eyes.

John Mayer says that when you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part...well...what do you do when the dream and the reality are both empty? I own a phone that only rings when someone wants something...there are at least three people that are actively avoiding me as I type...and "I'm sorry" isn't the quick fix it used to be. I use the symbolism of the broken heart in more of a universal thread, not solely in the scope of relationships (although, to that, I will simply say that you can't care about someone who doesn't want you to care about them, and leave it at that).

Every day, I open my eyes, and I wonder why I'm still here...who would miss me if I were to leave. Before you go getting any thoughts, I'm speaking in terms of where I'm living. I love Chicago, and this will always be home for me, but I think I've stayed my course. There's really nothing here worth staying for anymore (of course, this doesn't include family...no matter where I go, they are always in my heart). I have a few places in mind...a few in the States, and couple that are a long ways from here. It would be nice to start over...be in a place where I can meet and greet and be a little bit more of myself without nearly as many issues.

The sad part is that it would be pretty entertaining to discuss things like this with someone...but I know that it will be read, and thoughts will be made, but not a single word will be said...the "silent critique," if you will. I am a full supporter of personal opinion, at any cost...even if you just want to cuss me and tell me about how wrong I am, do it. Anyone who has ever caught me on one of my more blunt days found out rather quickly that I don't spare feelings with my advice. As a matter of fact, I very openly offer the disclaimer that if you just want someone to agree with you and make you feel better, I'm not the person to talk to. That being said, every subject is understood a little better if it can be seen from different sides. So...share what's on your mind. Suggestions for the future...similar stories...looking to spark a debate on one of the topics covered...or if you just want someone to talk to.

It's funny...do you have one or two (or in my case, more than a few) friends who you hear from every month or two, and when the Question of the Day comes around, you get the same response: "oh, I've been so busy lately...I'm sorry!" Then, after a short conversation, they proceed to fall off the face of the earth again? Now, before I get any hate mail on this, allow me to clarify...this is, by no stretch of the imagination, a finger-pointing session (I chose not to add names to my work a long time ago, as a matter of personal protection). Instead, it's an opportunity to think about how it applies to you. If it does, then you can relate, or maybe think about ways to shake things up; if not, then keep pushing.

Continuing on...this is a topic that I've covered with several people before, and the general consensus seems to agree on one thing: if this is really the case, then maybe I'm hanging around the wrong type of people. The first thought that crosses my mind is, "well...you're one of those people, too." Now, then...have I been one of those "types of people" before? Yep. Am I proud of it? Not in the slightest.

The counter-argument is that we all handle our personal relationships with other people differently, and you can't expect to walk outside and have the sun shine directly on you every day. (By the way, if you don't do analogies, then there's a good chance you won't understand me. Ever. Sad, but true.) However, I feel like I have a fair idea of how (most) things work (most of the time), and I don't care for being patronized. It might sound odd, but I would rather someone say, "Look, I know we haven't talked, but I was doing my thing, hanging out with some of my closer friends. I like you and all, but I'm just not going to commit as much time to our friendship." That way, lines are established, you can talk about whatever, and if you feel it's right, go your separate ways and be assured that there are no hard feelings left.

The house in my mind used to be brighter...there were birds in the sky...kids running and playing in the backyard...friends and well-wishers from end to end...and the most amazing woman a man could ask for. As reality begins to seep into my dreams, the kids grow tired, and ask when they can go home...the guests say their goodbyes, and drive away...the birds fly away, headed for sunnier skies...and the girl, you ask? She simply fades away, never to be seen again. On the nightstand next to the bed, there's a book..."The Key To Life." Unable to fall asleep, and trapped in thought, I grab the book, hoping to find clarity. As I open the cover, my eyes shoot open...and just like that, the dream is over.

I always wonder why people, places, and things tend to disappear at a time when you need them the most. I don't feel that it's because the places and things aren't the same, and I don't feel that it's because the people aren't understanding and supportive. It seems to be more of a natural human reaction...we are attracted to things that are more socially positive, and repelled by things that aren't.

It doesn't matter how good of a person you are...or better yet, it doesn't matter how good of a person you think/feel/know you are on the inside. Ask your local celebrity...society decides how good of a person you really are. And it takes a very unique person to be accepting of someone in spite of what they hear. We take so much stock in what we hear from others, and we unconsciously (or very openly, depending on the situation) change our own way of thinking as a result. Hell, even Martha and Oprah get caught up, and they're more well-liked than any of us could ever be. That being said...I know who I am, I know what I can do, and I know where I'm headed, regardless of how I choose to go about getting there.

But the very nature of society makes me ask myself, "am I really as good as I think I am?" How often do you have to hear the "Good-But" before it starts to affect your own state of mind? Allow me to explain the "Good-But"...have you ever gone in for a job interview, and you get to the end, and the interviewer says, "well, we here at (insert company name here) think you're a good fit, but we're going to go in a different direction"? Take that, apply it to other random life situations, and that's the "Good-But". We've become so hell-bent on saving feelings (and, in effect, saving face) that we stop helping each other become better people.

Using myself as an example...I hate being formally corrected/disciplined/cussed out/other stuff like that in a public setting. I think it's unnecessary, embarrassing, and it makes me eight different types of pissed off. But after I get over the initial feeling, I can think about what the other person was getting at, and I can work on it in the future. When you tell someone that they're a good person (which may be perfectly true), yet don't take the time to discuss what you feel the person could stand to change, you should formally forfeit the right to complain about it to anyone else. I ask the people in my life to say what's on their mind, at all costs. What comes out won't always be positive, even if it's from the closest of close. It might be upsetting, but the feeling passes, and life goes on.

The trick is to have the confidence to know that the other person isn't setting their sights on hurting you, and they're not out on their own personal agenda (yes, it happens sometimes, but we're trying to stay positive here). If you think that your best friend is telling you that you shouldn't date someone because she's just mad that she isn't seeing anyone, then why are you friends in the first place? Most of us will wait until a situation is at a point where there can be no repair before we say what needs to be said, and it effectively destroys a once strong bond. Some might silently hope that the other person will realize the issue they have with them, and approach them in discussion. But how often does it happen that way? How often does the switch turn on, and someone says, "ya know, I don't think (insert person's name here) appreciates that I (insert random act here). I should really clear the air with them."

While I take a moment to catch my breath from that extremely long thought that just came out, let me just say that I am not claiming that I am any less guilty of any of the above issues. I have avoided plenty an issue in an effort to save the feelings of someone I care about (at the expense of my own personal sanity)...I've given someone the "evil eye" after finding out some less-than-great information about them...and I've talked my way into (and to a lesser extent, out of) every major issue I've ever had with someone.

I am fully prepared to admit that the problems that are created between myself and others stem from my lack of confidence and faith in people as a whole. I'm much better at it then I was at this point in time a few years ago, but by no means am I fully evolved from it. During the time in between, I've learned a few very hard lessons, and I've had to pick my heart, pride, and ego from the floor on many an occasion. For those of you reading who felt as though I was deserving, I agree. Sometimes, we have to be knocked down just hard enough before we figure out the right way to move when we get back up.

You can't expect everyone to like the person you are, if for no other reason than the fact that we're built to have likes and dislikes. But if you allow someone to be a part of your life, and they allow you to be a part of theirs, then you should make every effort to build each other up, and finish your dreams together. That means an unprecedented amount of honesty...and an immeasurable amount of faith. If it seems like you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, then you might be better served to let it all go...I know plenty of people who have an excellent view of this, and are some of the wisest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

As for me...I close my eyes, and I return to the house in my mind. There's a brand-new car in the garage, but it doesn't run. All the necessary pieces are there, and there's a shelf full of "How To" books on the side. After some thought, I realize that unless I piece this thing together, it's gonna be a long walk. Looks like it's time to get to work. I'm dreaming with my eyes wide open...please don't wake me up.

- Emmanuel JaSon Johnson